I woke up on Monday morning, and said - that's it. I'm doing it. I'm moving back to NY. This didn't come out of the blue - for years I had toyed with the idea, and for whatever commitments prevented me from doing so, they were no longer. In July I got serious. Made the calls. emails. "I want to come home" is what I said to my friends back in the city.
You know, it's funny - I started hiking last year, and about two months ago I started running in the canyons - not very long distances, mind you, but still - ME? Running?!! HA!. When I would run, I would think I'm training for NY, keep going, you can do it. NY is HARD. You need to be physically and mentally in good shape. Keep going. Go, go go. And I would heave in and out, and look around at the beauty and wonder what am I doing? Why would I want to go live in the concrete jungle with 24 hour chaos? WHY? Am I insane?
No the insanity - or rather the darkest and most challenging period of my life I have had to date was the catalyst. That damn expression what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger? Well, let me tell you something, that is a VERY fine line. Very fine, indeed.
I had been depressed, unemployed and well, my currency had dropped considerably.
I slowly became more and more isolated. And I saw that a lot in LA. Men, women on isolation island- you could always spot them - they looked like they had gotten a beating, and never quite recovered. Nasty thing, that isolation.
Humans are meant to be in packs - just like animals. In the wild if a pack animal becomes injured or lame, the animals leave it behind - otherwise the pack won't survive.
The weak do not survive. We are hardwired to reject and cast off the weak - I think it's primitive for survival.
Yes there are people like Mother Theresa, etc... for the most part, think about it - think for a minute or two. TRULY think about the "weaker" people in your life and if you see them and how often you do, compared with the stronger or at the same level as you.
NY on the other hand, does not allow for isolation - it forces you to participate in life whether you like it or not.
When I awoke after 16 months of darkness, introspection and reflection, I slowly decided to reclaim ME. My life, my dreams, my feelings. What did I want?
But exactly. What did I want? What was I doing in LA? I was sustaining. That's it. I rarely saw friends. They were busy. With families, work, traffic, with life.
LA is no place for a single woman of a certain age. And any single woman of a certain age in LA will attest to that. Amen.
So I am doing it. Keeping it close to my chest, because if I dare start telling friends, I will surely be talked out of it. On paper, it's crazy. No money, no job, nothing. Though, a place to stay - which in NY is pretty damn major.
I am in stealth mode.
So today I pulled the main trigger - I listed my apt to sublet on craigslist. I hope to have it rented out by this weekend.
I know what I am taking - besides my dog, I am taking clothes, photographs and a conviction of what do I have to lose.
You have to move to create motion. I am stagnant here. And I thought: If I stay here, I will most certainly die.