Well, look who was a little ambitious.

So. Rollercoaster of a week. I have a renter, I don't have a renter. I'm leaving, I'm not leaving.

I have to say, going through Craigslist wasn't too painful. There was only one worm in the apple all in all (A snot nosed 23 yr old Jersey kid who had just moved here to start his own company; he said for 400.00 more he could have a view. For 400.00 more - I mean, really. I wanted to say, for 400.00 more I could afford those Choo's. For 400.00 more I could upgrade to a suite. This is irrelevant. IDIOT.)

Then a woman I thought was a 20 yr old girl who was flakey about e mailing and keeping appt's, turned out to be a 33 yr old short filmmaker from NY who also moonlights on feature films. And there she was - she walked in my apartment quite serious having told me on the phone that she "would know immediately" if she wants it or not. I guess she did.

The amount of money I am now taking has decreased significantly. It's going to be a bare bones week.  I leave officially this coming Sunday (or Monday?) - tomorrow is jam packed - of course a little Hollywood style now that I think of it: OY.

6:45 - Hike in Runyon Canyon with my dog
8:00 - Breakfast with a friend who called me out of the blue (I swear, people just sense when you are about to leave -)
9:15 - bangs trimmed at Sally Hershberger Salon by the very lovely Derek Smart who trims bangs for free when he is your stylist
10:45 - .99 cent store to buy dish towels for the kitchen- I know, random. But I tell you, it's all in the details.
11:30 - Back to the apartment with my friend to organize, donate extra nonsense, and pack
4:30 - Pick up prescription for Xanax, because, damn it, you just never know, and I certainly do not want to be in Arkansas and feel like I'm going to freak out.
5:00 - Some shots of Juvaderm in my frown area and laugh lines, for good luck of course.
6:00 - Pack, clean, pack, clean , repeat, repeat, repeat...sigh. WTF am I doing?

Ready, Set, GO.

I woke up on Monday morning, and said - that's it. I'm doing it. I'm moving back to NY. This didn't come out of the blue - for years I had toyed with the idea, and for whatever commitments prevented me from doing so, they were no longer. In July I got serious. Made the calls. emails. "I want to come home" is what I said to my friends back in the city.

You know, it's funny - I started hiking last year, and about two months ago I started running in the canyons - not very long distances, mind you, but still - ME? Running?!! HA!. When I would run, I would think I'm training for NY, keep going, you can do it. NY is HARD. You need to be physically and mentally in good shape. Keep going. Go, go go. And I would heave in and out, and look around at the beauty and wonder what am I doing? Why would I want to go live in the concrete jungle with 24 hour chaos? WHY? Am I insane?

No the insanity - or rather the darkest and most challenging period of my life I have had to date was the catalyst. That damn expression what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger? Well, let me tell you something, that is a VERY fine line. Very fine, indeed.

I had been depressed, unemployed and well, my currency had dropped considerably.

I slowly became more and more isolated. And I saw that a lot in LA. Men, women on isolation island- you could always spot them - they looked like they had gotten a beating, and never quite recovered. Nasty thing, that isolation.

Humans are meant to be in packs - just like animals. In the wild if a pack animal becomes injured or lame, the animals leave it behind - otherwise the pack won't survive.

The weak do not survive. We are hardwired to reject and cast off the weak - I think it's primitive for survival.

Yes there are people like Mother Theresa, etc... for the most part, think about it - think for a minute or two. TRULY think about the "weaker" people in your life and if you see them and how often you do, compared with the stronger or at the same level as you.


NY on the other hand, does not allow for isolation - it forces you to participate in life whether you like it or not.

When I awoke after 16 months of darkness, introspection and reflection, I slowly decided to reclaim ME. My life, my dreams, my feelings. What did I want?

But exactly. What did I want? What was I doing in LA? I was sustaining. That's it. I rarely saw friends. They were busy. With families, work, traffic, with life.

LA is no place for a single woman of a certain age. And any single woman of a certain age in LA will attest to that. Amen.

So I am doing it. Keeping it close to my chest, because if I dare start telling friends, I will surely be talked out of it. On paper, it's crazy. No money, no job, nothing. Though, a place to stay - which in NY is pretty damn major.

I am in stealth mode.

So today I pulled the main trigger - I listed my apt to sublet on craigslist. I hope to have it rented out by this weekend.

I know what I am taking - besides my dog,  I am taking clothes, photographs and a conviction of what do I have to lose.

You have to move to create motion. I am stagnant here. And I thought: If I stay here, I will most certainly die.