I am staying at the Sheraton Hotel in Columbia, Maryland. Aside from staying with family and friends, I have only stayed at Best Western's, La Quinta's, and Quality Inn's on this trip.
I just went out in the bitter cold to have a cigarette, and looked up at the hotel sign
and it hit me.
When my Mother and I moved back to New York after our stint in Texas, I was 11 years old.
I remember we stopped in New Jersey, and spent the night.
At a Sheraton.
I am almost my mother's age when she moved back to NYC with me.
Am I doing this for my Mother? Am I retracing her steps in hopes of reclaiming the life that she should have had?
Instead of me and my daughter, it is me and my dog.
Part 2:
NY D DAY
I am sitting in my hotel room in total denial that I have to get in the shower, walk my dog, pack the car and drive into NYC.
I am exhausted.
I slept 4 hours.
Originally I wanted to arrive at 11:00 AM.
Not happening.
I am leaving here most likely at 12:00 for arrival into NY at 4:00. Just in time for sunset.
I have freaked out on and off - mainly since Holbrook, AZ - Holbrook was where it really started to hit me that I was doing this.
BUT, the fact that I have my apartment in Los Angeles has aided me in maintaining my calm. And knowing that I have a full bottle of Xanax (untouched at this point) in the suitcase doesn't hurt either.
All psychological stuff, I know.
Mind over whatever. Or so, I thought.
I turned on the TV to try and calm my nerves
and this is what was on:
I turned on the TV to try and calm my nerves
and this is what was on:
WHAAAAAAA?
Really?
REALLY?
Part 3:
The time: 10:34 AM. The place: The Sheraton Hotel in Columbia, Maryland. Check out time: 12:00.
And that's it. I am driving to NY TODAY.
And, I am slowly starting to freak out.
I have not stepped foot in NYC in over 10 years.
TEN YEARS.
I know I won't recognize the city.
At least, that's what everyone tells me.
Over the years when watching various programs on TV, I would see the city skyline and it would prompt me to utilize my DVR:
I would Pause, Rewind, Freeze Frame and Slo-Mo the skyline shots so I could see how my city had transformed.
It was like studying a long lost friends face and tracing the lines of aging to see how and what had changed.
I am emotional. This whole trip has been emotional, but up to this point I have been pretty okay with my moods and my ability to keep things in check.
I don't know how I am going to react - like I have said to family and friends along the way - I may absolutely HATE it.
I may say uh-uh.
This is NOT for me. Not at all.
Get me the fuck out of here. STAT.
I may turn around in a few weeks and head west. I don't know.
I am intimidated scared, excited, nervous, freaking out. I like to think I am like every 22 year old kid that moves to NYC from their hickety pickety town - I sometimes think that is what I needed. To come at it with fresh eyes, and a new attitude.
All I know is right now, I am schvitzing like nobody's business.
I can't find my deodorant nor my toothpaste.
I refuse to enter NY smelling.
REFUSE I TELL YOU.
My dog with her blanket at the hotel.
She has NO idea what she's in for.
Neither do I.
Trying to breathe here.
