Saturday, November 27, 2010

Preface to NYC: Starting to really freak out

Part 1:

I am staying at the Sheraton Hotel in Columbia, Maryland.  Aside from staying with family and friends, I have only stayed at Best Western's, La Quinta's, and Quality Inn's on this trip.

I just went out in the bitter cold to have a cigarette,  and  looked up at the hotel sign

and it hit me.

When my Mother and I moved back to New York after our stint in Texas, I was 11 years old. 

I remember we stopped in New Jersey, and spent the night. 

At a Sheraton.

I am almost my mother's age when she moved back to NYC with me.

Am I doing this for my Mother? Am I retracing her steps in hopes of reclaiming the life that she should have had?

Instead of me and my daughter, it is me and my dog.

Part 2:

I am sitting in my hotel room in total denial that I have to get in the shower, walk my dog, pack the car and drive into NYC. 

I am exhausted. 

I slept 4 hours.

Originally I wanted to arrive at 11:00 AM. 

Not happening. 

I am leaving here most likely at 12:00 for arrival into NY at 4:00. Just in time for sunset.

I have freaked out on and off - mainly since Holbrook, AZ - Holbrook was where it really started to hit me that I was doing this.

BUT, the fact that I have my apartment in Los Angeles has aided me in maintaining my calm. And knowing that I have a full bottle of Xanax (untouched at this point) in the suitcase doesn't hurt either.

All psychological stuff, I know. 

Mind over whatever. Or so, I thought.

I turned on the TV to try and calm my nerves

and this is what was on:



Part 3:

The time: 10:34 AM. The place: The Sheraton Hotel in Columbia, Maryland. Check out time: 12:00.

And that's it. I am driving to NY TODAY.

And, I am slowly starting to freak out.

I have not stepped foot in NYC in over 10 years.


I know I won't recognize the city.

At least, that's what everyone tells me.

Over the years when watching  various programs on TV,  I would see the city skyline and it would prompt me to utilize my DVR:

I would Pause, Rewind, Freeze Frame and Slo-Mo the skyline shots so I could see how my city had transformed.

It was like studying a long lost friends face and tracing the lines of aging to see how and what had changed.

I am emotional. This whole trip has been emotional, but up to this point I have been pretty okay with my moods  and my ability to keep things in check.

I don't know how I am going to react - like I have said to family and friends along the way - I may absolutely HATE it.

I may say uh-uh.

This is NOT for me. Not at all.

Get me the fuck out of here. STAT.

I may turn around in a few weeks and head west. I don't know.

I am intimidated scared, excited, nervous, freaking out. I like to think I am like every 22 year old kid that moves to NYC from their hickety pickety town - I sometimes think that is what I needed. To come at it with fresh eyes, and a new attitude.

All I know is right now, I am schvitzing like nobody's business.

I can't find my deodorant nor my toothpaste.

I refuse to enter NY smelling.


My dog with her blanket at the hotel. 
She has NO idea what she's in for. 

Neither do I.

Trying to breathe here.


  1. Go ahead, Steph, take a bite of that old big apple.

  2. Whe life gives you apples, make apple juice! Don't panic over the deodorant. Embrace the perfume. I am so happy for you (and secretly jealous). Stephanie and New York; at long last the ultimate reunion!
    Cheers from San Berdon't