Preface to NYC: Starting to really freak out

Part 1:

I am staying at the Sheraton Hotel in Columbia, Maryland.  Aside from staying with family and friends, I have only stayed at Best Western's, La Quinta's, and Quality Inn's on this trip.

I just went out in the bitter cold to have a cigarette,  and  looked up at the hotel sign

and it hit me.

When my Mother and I moved back to New York after our stint in Texas, I was 11 years old. 

I remember we stopped in New Jersey, and spent the night. 

At a Sheraton.

I am almost my mother's age when she moved back to NYC with me.

Am I doing this for my Mother? Am I retracing her steps in hopes of reclaiming the life that she should have had?

Instead of me and my daughter, it is me and my dog.

Part 2:

NY D DAY

I am sitting in my hotel room in total denial that I have to get in the shower, walk my dog, pack the car and drive into NYC. 

I am exhausted. 

I slept 4 hours.

Originally I wanted to arrive at 11:00 AM. 

Not happening. 

I am leaving here most likely at 12:00 for arrival into NY at 4:00. Just in time for sunset.

I have freaked out on and off - mainly since Holbrook, AZ - Holbrook was where it really started to hit me that I was doing this.

BUT, the fact that I have my apartment in Los Angeles has aided me in maintaining my calm. And knowing that I have a full bottle of Xanax (untouched at this point) in the suitcase doesn't hurt either.

All psychological stuff, I know. 

Mind over whatever. Or so, I thought.


I turned on the TV to try and calm my nerves


and this is what was on:

WHAAAAAAA?

Really?

REALLY?

Part 3:

The time: 10:34 AM. The place: The Sheraton Hotel in Columbia, Maryland. Check out time: 12:00.

And that's it. I am driving to NY TODAY.

And, I am slowly starting to freak out.

I have not stepped foot in NYC in over 10 years.

TEN YEARS.

I know I won't recognize the city.

At least, that's what everyone tells me.

Over the years when watching  various programs on TV,  I would see the city skyline and it would prompt me to utilize my DVR:

I would Pause, Rewind, Freeze Frame and Slo-Mo the skyline shots so I could see how my city had transformed.

It was like studying a long lost friends face and tracing the lines of aging to see how and what had changed.

I am emotional. This whole trip has been emotional, but up to this point I have been pretty okay with my moods  and my ability to keep things in check.

I don't know how I am going to react - like I have said to family and friends along the way - I may absolutely HATE it.

I may say uh-uh.

This is NOT for me. Not at all.

Get me the fuck out of here. STAT.

I may turn around in a few weeks and head west. I don't know.

I am intimidated scared, excited, nervous, freaking out. I like to think I am like every 22 year old kid that moves to NYC from their hickety pickety town - I sometimes think that is what I needed. To come at it with fresh eyes, and a new attitude.

All I know is right now, I am schvitzing like nobody's business.

I can't find my deodorant nor my toothpaste.

I refuse to enter NY smelling.

REFUSE I TELL YOU.




              

My dog with her blanket at the hotel. 

She has NO idea what she's in for. 

Neither do I.

Trying to breathe here.