Monday, November 15, 2010

Waxahachie: Cousin's Wedding be Damned.

When I first arrived in Waxahachie, my Aunt showed me to the same room I slept in as a child and a teenager when Mom and I would visit.  I haven’t been in this room since I was 19; The last time I was in this house was with my Mother, and it was a disaster.

We were here for my cousins wedding, and I was an absolute brat.  I insisted on going back to NY  the day before my cousins wedding– for 2 reasons: I had a boyfriend there, and one of my friends who I had known since I was 16 was getting married the same weekend. My friend was 36 and in the music business. I thought his wedding would be far more fun.

My mother acquiesced and sent me back.

This shroud of shame has hung over my head for all these years. Being back in this room brings it all back. And as I sit here, for a brief bratty moment, I think well, my cousin did end up getting a divorce... (so okay, it was only two years ago, and I know I'm stretching, but I'm grabbing at anything here to alleviate this leftover moldy guilt.)

To know the dynamics of what was happening would explain far more. My mother had been at that point diagnosed with cancer.  She was drinking more.  And with each day, dying more.

Her sister, my aunt was the more together one - she, along with my Uncle and cousins were the united front.

And then there was me and Mom.

One trying to stretch her wings and one ailing.

I was angry, and I wanted to run away. I didn’t want to deal with watching how my mother was physically and mentally failing. AND having to go to a wedding! A BIG formal event that would require watching my Mother's deteriorating condition being silently compared to all the bright shiny people in their wedding fare, and let us not forget the sad looks in their  eyes when meeting her  - because, they knew. Throw in a couple of drinks to the mix, and it's just not pretty.

I think when you're 19 and your world is imploding in all different directions, you  don't have the kind of life experience that would enable you to  navigate a situation this layered and complex with dignity and grace.

So instead,  you demand to go home - cousin's wedding be damned.

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